Why Do You Settle For Less Than You Deserve?

By Denise LaFrance

One of the realities of life is that we don't have total control over everything in it. We do, however, have control over many things through the choices we make. Every choice has ramifications-whether it's the food we eat, the relationship we are in or the job we take. For many of us, it's easier to let things happen to us than to make a choice about getting what we really want. Many women I've worked with are so afraid of being alone, they admit to consciously settling for someone they know isn't the right one for them. They are not driven by love for another person, but by their fear of not being in a relationship at all. Inevitably, these women wake up one day in relationships that are totally wrong for them, asking themselves, "How did I get here?" The answer for most is usually either, "I settled for what came vs. what was right for me", or "I got what I wanted vs. what I needed."

The reason this tends to happen to so many women is that there are thoughts and feelings that easily convince us to settle. For some it is low self-esteem. Women who don't think they "deserve more than what they can get" are often the ones who consistently find themselves in bad relationships. For other women it may be a desire to be in a comfortable relationship, where there is nothing beyond a quiet routine. But without growth of any kind, they can find themselves being taken advantage of and are often left for a more stimulating partner. And the biggest of them all-fear. Fear that we'll make poor choices, so we make no choices at all. The problem is that by surrendering our choices, we help to create a "this stuff always happens to me" mentality.

Based on the above, I advise you to do some introspective work here. How often have you settled for things in life versus choosing them, in relationships or elsewhere? What drove you to that settling? Was it fear, low self-esteem or a desire to escape a different situation? And once you've answered those questions, would you make a different decision today and why?

Now, let's examine two elements that are involved in every decision you make-want vs. need. When it comes to relationships, you may say you want someone who is good looking, makes a great living and loves to travel. In reality, what you need may be someone who becomes more attractive as you get to know them, comes home happy because they LOVE what they do and whose world revolves around your home together. Discerning the difference between what you want and what you need will help you make choices that will be much better for you long-term. In other words, choices about what is right for you based on your values, your beliefs and what you REALLY want for yourself long term will always lessen the chances of you settling for something less than you want or deserve.

Working through issues that keep you in a cycle of settling for less is crucial if you want enduring contentment and satisfaction. A coach can help you identify what you need, based on your values and beliefs, as well as to look at the way you go about making choices. This can be critical in helping you feel empowered and certain that you are not settling for less than you deserve.
If you find yourself unable to sustain healthy relationships, it's time to look in the mirror and identify the role you've played. If you'd like help with how to better your chances of relationship success, call me to set up a free 30-minute consultation. denise@emergeintoyou.com or 207-699-4244.