By Janet Alston Jackson
When you find love, compatibility is just as important. They are not always the same. Failing to realize this is the reason why some people find themselves in emotional and/ or in physically abusive relationships, and why some divorce.
You can fall in love with someone you see on the television screen, or you can fall in love with someone because they are physically attractive, but do you share the same interests and values in life?
There are some of us who fall in love because the other person wants us. Actually, we call it love, but is it really?
Follow Your Instincts:
I was engaged and living with Daryl, my long-time boyfriend who didn't seem to care if I was alive or dead. This was confusing, because he transferred from his job working at the phone company in San Francisco where we met in college, to be with me in Los Angeles.
There were days when he didn't want to speak to me. I could deal with that over the nine years we went in and out of our relationship up North, but since we weren't living together then, I didn't have to deal with his stormy moods which I hated.
However, living with Daryl, who also gave me the silent treatment when he was upset with me, was awkward and frustrating, especially since we had a one-bedroom apartment. There was no place to run.
I remember one time after visiting our parents in San Francisco, we drove the entire five and half hours back to Los Angeles in silence because he was angry with me about something he never shared.
If the other person is not willing to communicate and work through your problems together, or even tell you what is wrong, how can you move forward?
Daryl may have thought he was teaching me a lesson. However, he actually drove me into my future husband's arms.
I met Walter at the Red Onion restaurant, when I was with a group of my co-workers and friends from CBS Television Network, celebrating birthdays in the month of February.
Since Daryl was not speaking to me during this time, and again, I had no idea why he was mad, I took up Walter's offer to have lunch.
During this one meeting with Walter, he started talking about his dreams for the future, and was very curious about mine. I realized then that I had put my dreams on hold, but I still had continued to study spiritual and self-help materials to grow. I discovered Walter, was on the same self-growth and spiritual path. Daryl and I didn't have those things in common.
Playing It Safe
Then, it hit me like a brick, Daryl liked to play life safe. Go to work, come home, raise a family, visit friends and family and keep his good job as an ATT technician, installing and repairing wiring. He was perfectly content to follow that road. However, I realized he didn't want to grow even though he was in his early twenties, and the economy was good back then.
He felt safe in his job. And, like many people, he would learn, there is no safety in any job, only in your Higher Power.
I could barely stay in my seat as I listened to Walter talk about his aspirations. I confided that I had put my dreams on the back burner. He woke me up encouraging me to follow my dream to write books. Daryl once told me that there was no security in writing, and to stay at my "good job" as a publicist for CBS and get the benefits.
I realize he may have wanted me to play it safe because he may have been threatened with me stepping out of the box and growing despite, or without him.
Listening to Walter, I saw I was settling for Daryl and his ways only because he was familiar. We tend to do that in life. If there is a irritation like a pebble in our shoe, we keep walking around with that uncomfortable feeling. Eventually, we learn to ignore it and it doesn't hurt as much, because we are used to the pain. So we never take the irritation out of our lives. We live with whatever is uncomfortable.
Darly's un-communicative ways were like the pebble in my shoes. Actually more like a rock. Looking back, we were headed for divorce before we were even married.
Dream Big
During that lunch with Walter, I was falling in love, because he was helping me to fall back in love with myself. I was rediscovering a part of myself dreaming again. And, at the same time, across the table I was looking into the eyes of my soul mate who shared my same interests.
Silently, I made a decision to step out of my known territory. Many people don't step out. They say things like, "I'll stay with blank (name) because if I find someone else, it will be a whole new set of problems. At least, I know my challenges with blank (name)." I believe this is why some people get addicted to everything from alcohol to gambling, to keep their feelings suppressed from their dreams they never tried to follow. Life is about growing. Just look at nature for proof.
Refuse to Settle
Walter and I agreed to see one another again. I didn't know where that road would lead, but I did know I couldn't continue that same circular path with Daryl.
The next week I moved out. Six months later, I was married to Walter. It's now 33 years, two businesses, and three kids later, and we are still living our dreams together. Writing these words is part of those dreams.
How do you find love and compatibility? It will find you (law of attraction), if you are willing to follow your dreams and not settle for less.
Excerpt from "Sporting the Right Attitude: Overcoming Obstacles for a Lasting Love." Visit http://www.SportingtheRightAttitude.com for more information on relationships.
Janet Alston Jackson is an award-winning author
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